Did you miss me???

I realize that I took quite a long break from blogging and thought I should give a few reasons why. First of all, Abby was banned from using the computer for quite some time and it was turned off during the day and I just never felt like booting it up, blogging, getting sucked into Facebook, only to find that I had to turn it off because nap time was over. And when Jerry gets home he usually has a few work things going on here that I don't want to take the chance of messing up!

Second, I have just been plain busy. Nothing outrageous or out of the ordinary but between working 20 hours a week and trying to keep up with housework and Jerry's crazy-busy schedule, I've found that it difficult to set time aside when the kids are asleep to blog. (I can't do it when they're awake because they either want to use it and whine, whine, whine or Trey won't stop trying to push buttons) I am still Velcro Mom!

Third and probably the biggest was that I needed to cut some things out of my day for a while and blogging was the easiest to stop doing. I finally went to see my doctor in January and after discussing things with him we thought it would be the right decision to start me on anti-depressants. What a FABULOUS decision that was!!! I have noticed for a long time (possibly even some issues with it as a kid) that I just didn't feel right. It was much more noticeable after giving birth to Trey but I thought it was just that I was tired because, frankly, I was tired. But the feelings never really went away even after he started sleeping all night. And sometime around last October/November I began to really go downhill. I was feeling super anxious all the time, very overwhelmed, tired, irritable, lots of different things. I was hoping that after the holidays things would improve but having the flu and a nasty month-long cold did nothing to help and things really did not improve. By January I was not interested in taking care of the kids at all. It took everything I had just to do the daily necessary tasks for them. I didn't want to get out of bed, I felt utterly exhausted. Mostly I just wanted to walk away from it all...and had that feeling EVERY DAY! It was terrible. I felt like I was a huge failure as a mom, as a wife, as a person. Jerry was so incredibly supportive and was very encouraging with me as I debated whether or not I needed medical intervention. I know there are lots of options on how to treat depression; exercise and diet being two big ones, but I felt like I was so buried under the overwhelming feeling that I couldn't even take steps to change anything on my own. So roughly 8 weeks ago I started the meds, it's a pretty low dose but seems to be working very well. Within 3 days, the anxious feelings were virtually gone. I didn't feel like screaming at everyone or running away. And just in the last 2-3 weeks I have finally gotten my mojo back. I am so much more patient, I feel much calmer, the house is getting picked up regularly, and I have even accomplished some projects lately. Everyone that is around me on a consistent basis can tell that my mood has improved and Jerry and the kids are especially grateful :) I'm sharing my story simply for the fact that I felt really isolated with my feelings but once I started talking to people it became apparent that many others have similar feelings as well. I felt as if I needed to want to be with my kids 24-7 and that if I didn't it meant there was something wrong with me. The guilt and the feelings of failure were horrible but I know that the expectations I had put upon myself were not realistic for the type of person that I am and the life that I lead. The kids won't remember that their house was never spotless, the laundry wasn't always done, that there was painting/decorating that I always wanted to do. My kids will always remember that Mommy played lots of games with them, read them lots of books, did a lot of arts/crafts and fun things with them and that is what really matters to me!